An Age-by-Age Guide to Raising Boys, According to Child Development Experts
Keep them growing in the right direction with these parenting tips.
Boys Adrift
While conducting a presentation to parents, Dr. Leonard Sax was asked a series of questions by parents with concerns about the development of their sons. The problems ranged from lack of motivation to acting out at school and home. The discussion sparked interest for further research and led Dr. Sax to identify chemical, cultural, and environmental factors which may be negatively impacting the development of young men.
In his book, Boys Adrift, he identifies five factors that may be contributing to a lack of motivation and drive among young men.
- Education (teaching methods)- Students are expected to enter into rigorous study at a younger age, and most five year-old boys are not prepared for these high expectations. In many cases, these demands set them up for failure and cause them to disconnect from the learning experience.
- Video Games – He identifies first-person shooter and violent video games as specific problems. In these environments, boys can control their world and experience dominance that they may not experience in the real world. This leads to a detachment from reality and desire to escape into fantasy.
- ADHD Medication – Sax states that there is a growing number of students who have been prescribed stimulant drugs to treat ADHD, when they may not actually have the disorder. He draws a correlation between the dependence upon stimulant medications and a lack of motivation and drive
- Environmental Toxins – He presents research on chemicals in plastic that are polluting our drinking water and our bodies. There is concern related to consumption of these chemicals during pregnancy and their effect on cognitive and sex development of babies in utero.
- The devaluation of masculinity – In cultures that have endured for hundreds of years, there is a distinct process where the older males train the young men how to be “men:” how to treat a woman, how to behave, how to provide, and so on. In these rituals of “passing the torch,” young men have clear expectations set before them. Positive male role models are essential because emotional maturation, unlike puberty, doesn’t happen automatically. “Every enduring culture has rules, has a notion of what it means to be a good man,” he says. “Boys are not born knowing those rules. They have to be taught.” While Sax is quick to acknowledge women can teach boys plenty (and men can teach girls a lot), he says gender roles are best modelled and taught by someone of the same gender.
Video Games
Over the past 20 years, youth engagement with media has greatly increased. Youth consider media activities, such as social messaging and video games, integral to daily life. The impact of these computer/gaming station activities on youth development and functioning is unclear. Some Internet activities are associated with intellectual and social stimulation and some video games may improve visual/spatial skills. However, as highlighted in a recent Public Broadcasting Service documentary, “every hour of life on the screen is an hour spent not in the rest of life … if we’re there, where aren’t we?” Learn more.
New Guidelines
The Canadian Paediatric Society (CPS) released new guidelines for digital media use and screen time for kids aged five to 19. The guidelines for kids and teens focus more on how and when screens are used rather than how long. Today’s Parent
Cooperative or competitive video games, played with family and friends, can reflect and function as traditional play, offering opportunities for identity, cognitive and social development. Many children—especially boys—regularly socialize through games. Some video gaming has been positively associated with increased sense of well-being, prosocial behaviour, and fewer conduct problems.
Does your child have a gaming disorder?
According to the World Health Organization, gaming disorder is a “pattern of persistent or recurrent gaming behaviour” in which people lose control of their gaming behaviour, give priority to gaming over other interests and activities, and continue gaming despite negative consequences, such as impairments in their family relationships, social lives, work duties or other areas.
The three Cs
Parents can use the three Cs approach to gauge if their child is spending too much time gaming, and these include control, compulsion and consequences.
- Control in this context as being whether or not a player is in control of the game or the game is in control of them.
- Compulsion is when a player’s thoughts are fixated on gaming even when participating in other activities.
- Consequences are when a player does not change their gaming behaviour, despite that behaviour already having negative consequences for them.
Male Role Models
Between ages six and eight, boys begin to differentiate themselves as males and develop a subconscious desire for male role models. In the absence of a father figure, boys will look toward their neighbourhood, television and media.”
Gina Panettieri, author of The Single Mother’s Guide To Raising Remarkable Boys
Finding positive role models – Today’s Parent
First and foremost, single moms should find another dependable adult, male or female, to support them as a parent. encourage contact with positive male role models in the extended family, and make good use of community resources. Don’t be afraid to reach out. Try programs like Big Brothers Big Sisters, organized sports and other activities.
Does a Male Role Model Actually Have to be a Man? In joining the society of strong and caring men—and in learning how to be better men—having a male worthy of respect and emulation is a wonderful and powerful thing in a boy’s life. But heroes are fallible, fathers leave, and stand-ins won’t always be there. For single and two-mother families, none of that means the lessons of manhood can’t be passed on. Boys can learn how to treat women by watching men. But they can just as easily learn it from watching how women demand to be treated. Watching the strong women in their lives, they can learn how to respond to challenges without aggression. They can learn the power of reliability and the importance of respect. They can learn determination, decision-making and independence.
Toxic Masculinity
Toxic masculinity refers to the notion that some people’s idea of “manliness” perpetuates domination, homophobia, and aggression. This idea that men need to act tough and avoid showing all emotions can be harmful to their mental health and can have serious consequences for society, which is how it became known as “toxic masculinity.” Learn more.
The White Ribbon Campaign White Ribbon is the world’s largest movement of men and boys working to end violence against women and girls, promote gender equity, healthy relationships and a new vision of masculinity. Since its inception in Toronto in 1991, White Ribbon Campaign initiatives have been organized in over 60 countries around the world. Explore their site for some great videos and resources.
